Now here's where the story takes a sharp turn into unseemly territory. See that little lilac bear I'm holding? His name is Bear Bear and I've had him for over 15 years. I'm not ashamed to say I sleep with a teddy bear! As a tummy sleeper, he's kept my boobs from becoming pancake flat over the years with his devoted support! And even though Tim came into my life more than five years ago, he's never uttered a word about having to share me with him. I wish I could say the same about the way Bear Bear feels about Tim. Time to fess up the hard truth: My bear is abusive. Since 2006, Tim has had to suffer countless indignities inflicted by said bear. I can't tell you how many untold, early mornings there have been, where a stealthy furry paw has crept out to tickle an unknowing orifice. Be it a nose or an ear, that's over 1750 indignities suffered by my man (a saint) who, being extremely ticklish, thrashes wildly and starts up from the bed with a grunt, yelp or a howl. Unfazed by such histrionic demonstrations, Bear Bear finds Tim's reactions ridiculously amusing, which only serve to fuel his demonic enjoyment all the more. Besides his penchant for The Tickle, Bear Bear is also a master of The Swipe. With aim more precise than the most expert of archers, a violent swipe of his paw swishes by Tim's nose by micro-millimeters. It's the air created from the swipe that wakes Tim up, but it's not actually hitting. (And no chance of becoming a toilet brush as Tim likes to threaten.)
Sizing up his daddy's half-decade-long bully. |
But here's where things get weird. Ever since my baby was a month old, I've noticed he's put The Swipe into practice in his limited repertoire of go-to moves. In fact, The Swipe is nearly identical! So on this rainy, dark, too-early morning when I crept into bed for a cuddle, I noticed he was showing an unnatural interest in Bear Bear for the first time. Is karma in the name of Chester going to be the end of days for my devoted little bear?
Bear Bear's famous swipey paw turned into a teething ring. Oh the horror. |
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